This is a little longer post, but there’s a message in it that I hope you enjoy.
We seem to live in a world of instant gratification, combined with a constant stream of suggestion and influence. From Amazon to Instagram to InstaCart – we see image after product after lists of “10 Ways To A Better You…” An endless stream of THIS WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY.
Think about all the information thrown at you in one day.
Where does that stream of suggestions and news and ideas we absorb actually GO? They take on an energy of their own and float around in our minds on an endless loop of INNER chatter. Running in the background, behind the scenes, noticed and un-noticed by us.
It’s no wonder so many people feel anxious and depressed.
We need space. Inner space.
Stillness.
If we don’t – or can’t – create that space, and calm the inner mind, then the next best thing is to look out in the world for peace and safety. Eek.
How to find happiness and peace in a world that seems to always be unhinged? We don’t know how – but we are vigilant! We try! We look at the news, the world, our family and friends, and think there must be happiness and peace out there and I can be the one to find it!
Like Super Troopers, we are wired to keep looking for freedom and happiness no matter how often we fail. We’re not going to stop until we’ve exhausted all options: jobs, marriage, kids, travel, books, yoga retreats. All great and lovely and joyous parts of life….and yet, so often providing only fleeting moments of happiness. No consistency.
So the search continues.
There’s a line I love in A Course In Miracles describing our human conditioning to: “Seek but do not find.”
In other words, we’re taught to live life seeking peace and happiness, but never really finding it.
My own search began before I was really aware of it. Attending church often bi-weekly as a kid, I learned about God. Yet even God’s love seemed kept at arm’s length. And it was my job to seek it. God was watching us, sometime judging us, other times forgiving us. Yet I had no instructions on how to actually discover or feel that God (or Source or Universe) is found inside me.
I couldn’t grasp the concept of God/Source in a tangible way. He/she was a vague presence dishing out some blessings and holding back others. Church had wonderful stories and words and ideas – but all without the actual experience. I wanted to feel God – not study her.
Searching…searching…
My career chase is another example of my endless human searching. In my 20s I wanted the excitement of working in television production, which led me to a great internship at NBC in New York City. My dream of meeting celebrities – if only as a production assistant – and seeing behind the scenes of TV shows was very exciting as it began to unfold. As with anything (even despite glimpses of Jimmy Fallon in the hallway), the thrill began to diminish and I felt something was off. An underlying anxiety seemed to follow me around; daring me to look deeper. It waited for the other shoe to drop, while also whispering there must be more than this.
My human mind spoke up and said clearly this is the wrong job! So I switched to a shiny new job at VH1/MTV. My dream job – helping produce shows for TV. It was hard work and fun. But over time, as all shiny things do, a dullness tarnished the gloss. And the pesky inner voice was back and pushing me for more. A better job will make me even happier. I realized, crap, that voice in my head had followed me. It went where I went. I changed the external location of myself, but my internal world stayed the same. Searching. Sigh.
I decided to move back to Minneapolis and the job chase continued along with the loop: thrill of the search, landing the job, enjoying the challenge, impending boredom, and realizing I still didn’t find inner happiness or peace of mind.
Again the surroundings changed – but the inner chatter was my consistent companion. Her words were kind to me at one moment and biting at the next. I began to think I WAS the inner critic. I grew further away from the simple stillness that I could find so easily in childhood.
Then a great husband and the honeymoon effect brought new happiness. This too lost it’s shiny newness and although I still love my husband (whew!) the inner feeling of…something’s missing…was never far away.
I searched – but I didn’t find.
It wasn’t until I had my son that a lightbulb turned on. It’s as though my whole frequency shifted. I was sleep deprived, yet felt more awake than ever before. The feeling I had was something that he helped me remember was inside me all along. It was a tangible and whole vibration in the center of myself.
This marked the switch for me. It changed my search from “out there” to where has this feeling been and how do I keep it? I knew by then not to expect my happiness to come from someone else, not even a cute little baby, and that it had to come from inside myself.
{An aside}: at this point I realize I’m veering toward a cheesy quote or the message in a children’s book. But how often do we read something we know to be true in our heart, like a message in a story, and then actually follow the insight of what we read? Not enough. Now get back to reading what I’m telling you (wink) and I’ll tie this all together.
A new path unfolded. I was jumpstarted and curious about my inner world and energy and my place in it all.
That space of calm had been there all along, but hidden and covered up with years of living a life searching and not finding. To be clear: it was not as simple as becoming a Mom changed me. I knew even the novelty of being a Mom would wear off over time, much the same as my resume of jobs.
But this was different. It occurred to me one night how awful and depressing it would be if this new happiness and joy I felt from being a mom might fade away over time. And it was that thought that stopped me and pulled me out of my loop of thoughts. It made me turn and face my inner critic head-on and say:
If happiness isn’t found consistently from people (not even my son), or places, or things – then where? And it was then – that magic moment of saying to – …who? My higher self? My Soul? Show me a better way – that life began to unfold differently.
Inner nudges appeared. New doors and new ideas began to open to me. My intuition kicked in.
Others might have a similar sudden shift in perception while being in nature, or going through an illness, or sitting in the lotus position for weeks on end. Who knows.
But after I had that moment of saying enough of this searching, I want to find – something in me was ignited and opened up.
Did I still go out and find another job for enjoyment? Yep. Did I still have doubts and frustrations and wonderings? Of course. But I saw life differently. I went on to find energy healing and Reiki and mediumship and metaphysics. But mainly I quit relying on happiness from something I DO or from how someone else acts.
I found meditation and the daily lessons in A Course in Miracles. And over time I realized I was seeking and finding.
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How does this apply to you?
There is a vibration – a subtle spark – inside each of us. It’s real and tangible and most importantly: it’s findable. I believe it’s why we came here. And you can find it by noticing the inner critic and getting quiet.
Our inner world is the link we have with God/Source/The Creative Field. The glimpses of it don’t have to be fleeting. You can anchor in that vibration. That energy – Awareness – can guide you. It’s your intuition, Soul guidance, God presence, and the river of life you float along in.
Whatever you call it, make it your priority to uncover it. It’s not out there. It doesn’t depend on someone coming into or leaving your life. It doesn’t depend on someone else changing their behavior. It doesn’t depend on losing weight or moving to a different city.
We all follow little paths of searching that may lead to nowhere and that’s fine. Start a new path. While we search we may figure ourselves out – or get disillusioned – go within – and stop sleepwalking through life.
Shine a light on the loop of thoughts and endless stream of planning and worrying and regretting and say out loud: above all else I want to be happy. Above all else. Happiness. It’s a decision that will get the ball rolling.
Become very familiar with your inner world. Take little 1-2 min breaks to close your eyes and breathe during the day. Get curious about what’s behind all the thoughts and anxieties and searching. Make it your mission to find stillness and I promise it will ripple out into your life.
If you’d like to explore this more, I hope you’ll join me for my upcoming 3 part online class: Awakening Your Intuition. Intuition is simply learning to listen to what arises in the stillness. Living intuitively means you’ll still feel all the emotions (I still get angry, sad, annoyed) but they will be passing clouds rather than your constant weather. Your search just might take on new meaning.
To register, visit my events page.
Thanks for reading ~ happy finding!
Nicki
