We signed my 6 year old son up for flag football this Spring. Five Saturday afternoons with other Kindergarteners – chasing each other around while hopefully enjoying themselves. Well, my son was having none of it. I give him credit for putting his football shirt on, tying the flags around his waist, and walking out on the field with a half-smile. Amongst other 6 year olds and with a crowd full of adults cheering him on. He then proceeded to stare off at Lake Minnetonka behind him, pick a great looking weed from the grass, take his hat off, put his hat back on. Adjust his flags after he realized they’d fallen around his ankles. Catch the football? Wait, what’s going on out here exactly?
I don’t say this to be make fun of him, but to acknowledge and laugh at his honesty. He had no clue what was going on and he really didn’t care. I can sympathize with this on two levels. First, he’s 6. Most kids would rather be in the lake or on the playground. He really didn’t have a clue how to play football. Some kids thrived and some were happy when it was over. My son just happened to be the latter. I also sympathize because I was the same way as a child. I remember even in high school when my volleyball team lost an away game and we were able to leave early rather than stay and play one final game, I was thrilled to be able to go home early, get my homework done, and watch Party of Five. Some girls cried on the bus ride home because we lost. My friend and I got scolded for laughing about something when we were supposed to be “upset” at our loss. Try as I might, I just didn’t care that we lost. Needless to say, I do not have the competitive streak in me. At all.
Did my son inherit this? Who knows. He’s 6. I do what I know is best for my children: expose them to things, and see what sticks.
What I do know is kids will teach you things. While I wasn’t frustrated with my son’s lack of enthusiasm for chasing around the football (I too would’ve rather been on the sailboats behind the field) my husband was slightly livid. He was a football player in high school and college. Why wasn’t his son loving this? I pointed out the obvious, that he’s in Kindergarten and still surrounded by stuffed animals when he sleeps. He’s doesn’t exactly scream “let’s get aggressive! Throw me that football!” I then pointed out – is this his issue or his sons? It’s likely something he had to work on within himself. See? The kiddos are teaching us things.
Our kids only know how to be themselves. This can be beyond frustrating. We want them to sit still at dinner and eat a vegetable and they want to burp the alphabet. But what’s a parent to do? I know what I strive to do: teach my children to do what makes them happy, through helping others (i.e. helping me clean up toys) and doing what makes them feel good. If it’s drawing pictures for an hour or building mud pies, then I try to let them do that. I try to teach what I strive to do for myself as well: expand their horizons. Encourage creativity. This means signing them up for a sport they may end up loving…or simply tolerating for the session. But the lesson is to try. We sometimes forget this if we (or a spouse or family member) gets caught up in their own expectations. These little humans are their own souls, on their own journey, and we are simply here to encourage them to be their best self while discouraging them from running into ongoing traffic while holding sharp objects.
To paraphrase Eckhart Tolle in A New Earth: Our children are not of us, they simply come through us.
Maybe my son will follow his Dad’s footsteps and end up loving football in a couple years. Or maybe not. Either way, I’m not going to spend any time worrying about it. My son certainly isn’t.
So I try to learn lessons from my kids. In the moment it’s a challenge. But after they’re asleep at night and my mind slows down, the lessons often come through.
Have patience is an obvious one. I’m tested on this daily.
Spend time doing things that you love. Our kids sure strive to do that.
Do what you enjoy – not what someone thinks you should enjoy.
I took the t-ball set out into the front yard last week to get the kids “warmed up” for their game that night. My daughter hit the ball about three times. My son, once. Then they dropped everything and squirted the flowers and lawn with the hose. For 30 minutes. I sat down and relaxed. They teach us to be in the moment.
An author on a podcast I listened to today asked, what if we teach our kids to be the chef instead of the sous chef?
Not making them the ruler of the house, but encouraging more self awareness, creativity, and independence. What if we worried less about teaching competition and instead taught our children to be adaptable? To know themselves? Ask questions? To follow their intuition. My son told me they learned about their five senses at school the other day, and I told him not to forget about his 6th sense. He was shocked. What? We have another sense? {I can’t wait until this is taught in schools one day} Yes, I said, it’s your own inner guidance. Your intuition. To simplify it, I said, “it’s the feeling you get inside when you know what you’re doing or saying is right or wrong. And figuring out the best thing to do.” This he understood.
It’s never too early to teach kids to know themselves. To be kind not only to others, but to themselves. To do what they love.
One final story. My son came home from school not long ago and I asked my typical, “what did you do that you liked today?” question. He answered that he put on a puppet show during free time. “Great!” I said, “who watched it?” He said first his friend did, but then it was just him and the puppets. My heart broke a little. But he was smiling. He said, “but it was okay, I had fun just doing my puppet show still.”
I love this. I know my son has plenty of friends, but I also love knowing he can be happy with just himself. This story, I’m learning, is like all things in parenthood. It’s a little heartbreaking and a little enlightening at the same time. What if we followed our children’s lead and stopped thinking about who is watching our “show” and who likes what we’re doing and who doesn’t? What if we took a lesson from our kids and just did what we loved and followed our joy?
In gratitude,
Nicki
